So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
happy mother’s day❤️
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever