“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
definitely did not do anything wrong
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.