So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
This is not me but this is me
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger