So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
the rocks need my help
<—- homeless romantic
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…