So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Care for your back