so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them