So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
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I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.