So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Saw online –
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.