@imence2
@causticbob Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
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@causticbob 
@BadaBinge Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
@SinghSahaaaab Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
@Mandiatrandom1 Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
@Julian_Deane Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
@NYC_Blonde “We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
@EndhooS 11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
@Kali_Mura If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
@neiltyson Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.