@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

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@causticbob

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

@SinghSahaaaab

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

@Mandiatrandom1

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

@Julian_Deane

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

@EndhooS

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

@Kali_Mura

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

@

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

@neiltyson

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.