“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.


Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.


Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there


Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help


Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.


“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers


11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..


If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.


If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.


Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.