So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
no cat here