“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
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I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
. 馃馃徎/ It鈥檚
<) ) 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/馃馃徎 9 o鈥檆lock
( (> 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/馃馃徎/ On a Saturday
<) ) 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/The regular crowd
馃懘馃徎/ 馃懙馃徑/ 馃懇馃徎/ 馃懆馃徑/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
This could be us but you eatin’
Jokes on you, inflation, I鈥檒l never stop buying peanut butter.