So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Woke up with morning Yule Log
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Many hands make light work
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets