“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
