“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT