So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
You Might Also Like
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?