so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
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My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office