so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
welp
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.