So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I think about this a lot
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???