So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Yup….perfect score!
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
The biggest mystery of our time
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Hell yeah 👍
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.