-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus