Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.