sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?