Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun