Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I laughed at this way too hard.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me too 😆
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?