Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
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[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
craving $300 all of a sudden
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired