Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Things will get butter, keep churning
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Finally!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*