Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
@funTweeters I am at your service….
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me irl
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?