@amburgklur

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

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@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@brycoo

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

@Kyle_Lippert

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@JasonLastname

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

@RunOldMan

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

@AmishPornStar1

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

@dave_cactus

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.