Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.


[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?


“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING


*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.


Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.


When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.


My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.


*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.