Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
You Might Also Like
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Time for evil
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Is your wife single?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.