Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
You Might Also Like
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.