Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag