Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.