Social distancing in Australia:
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#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
rapatouille
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change