Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
This is a true ally.