Social Media and Real life
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Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”