Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Who’s your best friend?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”