Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
You’re the water to my grease fire.