Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
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The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
58.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.