Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
How dramatic are you?