Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
R.I.P.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting