Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs