society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle