Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Why am I like this?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice