SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The Friday File.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.