Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor