Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
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The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me in tagged photos
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.