society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*gets down on one knee*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
All set.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.