society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
You Might Also Like
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.