Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
You Might Also Like
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.