SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I’m having an out of money experience.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself