SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
You Might Also Like
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back