socratic questions
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women