Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Saw online –