Software Development ⛵️
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The pen is writier than the sword.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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